Why do they always get everything wrong? They just don’t seem to get it… Whether it’s making a mess of your morning cuppa or the way they fumble their way through changing the lightbulb, whatever they do irritates you. It’s never enough. Maybe they’re not enough.
Let’s face it, whenever you spend extended periods of time with anyone, they’re going to end up irritating you. And so, it tends to be our partner/s who bear the brunt of our criticism.
But there’s a difference between minor irritations every now and then and full blown criticism. And we definitely want to avoid the latter when it comes to relationships.
Criticism can take many different forms: disapproval, nitpicking, blaming, sarcasm, critiquing, passive aggressive behaviour e.g. eye-rolling… The list goes on.
But these behaviours all have one thing in common: they destroy connection.
What’s the problem with being so critical?
At its core, criticism is hurtful and demoralising. Over time, it slowly chips away at our self-esteem. It can also lead to resentment. Your partner might appear to “take it on the chin” but deep down, it’s likely to make them feel down, both on themselves and also – potentially – the relationship too.Your partner might appear to “take it on the chin” but deep down, it’s likely to make them feel down, both on themselves and also – potentially – the relationship too.
According to Dr John Gottman, world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, criticism is one of the four negative communication patterns that are most likely to predict divorce. He refers to them as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stone-walling
But more than this, we’re guessing that you’ve landed on this page because it’s not making you feel good either.
Critical of others – what’s the psychology?
If criticism has become a pattern for you, it likely has its roots in the past.
You may have grown up with caregivers who had very high expectations of you. They showed you love – but only when you got things “right”. You were praised and admired – but only when you came top of your class. Or you may have been modelled this way of being instead… Perhaps they were high achievers themselves and there was a sense that the sky was the limit.
Putting an end to all the criticism might sound easy. But the reality is that this tends to be a deeply ingrained habit which requires some work and commitment to overturn.
But even the fact that you’ve landed on this page shows that there is a part of you that wants to change…. And this is the first, most important step.
How to stop being critical in a relationship?
If criticism chips away at connection, what builds it? The answer is: fondness and admiration. But this may be easier said than done, especially if you’ve fallen into a well-rehearsed pattern of behaviour. That’s why the trick is to take baby steps – in just the same way we would when breaking any other habit.
Here are some tips on how to do just that:
Write a pros and cons list of your critical behaviour – Whenever we want to change a particular behaviour, we need to get really clear on our motivation. Examples might be…
- Pro: “It means I get my way a lot of the time”.
- Con: “I can sense my critical behaviour is driving them away”.
Next time you get the urge to jump in and say something critical, take a deep breath and pause – is what you’re about to say going to benefit you, your partner or the relationship in any way? If not, it might be better to sit this one out.
If it’s something you definitely want to share, try changing criticism to feedback – focus on using “I” statements. So instead of, “you’re so lazy!” you might say something like, “I feel invisible when you want to watch TV in the evenings instead of spending quality time with me”.
Practice gratitude for the good parts of your relationship rather than focusing on the negatives – practising gratitude is about training the brain to focus on the positive things in your life instead of focusing on the things you don’t have. Over time, practising gratitude on a regular basis can help foster more positive feelings. Try starting each day by writing down at least three things you’re grateful for.
Consider what is good enough rather than striving for unattainable perfection – what are your overriding needs and values? Are you and your partner aligned on the important stuff? Because that’s all that matters when it really comes down to it.
Start therapy to delve deeper into where this pattern stemmed from – therapy is a great place to start exploring your earlier experiences and how they might be impacting you today so you can choose to behave in a way that is more in line with your authentic self.
“Only when we feel comfortable with our own choices – and embrace our own imperfections – will we stop feeling the driving need to criticise others” – Brene Brown
